As I in my recently written post explained, me and my boyfriend did manage to keep our relationship working regardless of the big contrast between seeing each other twice a month and living together. I did realise lately, that even though after 1,5 years of living together has worked out quite smoothly, this big transformation has in deed caused some complications from my side. As my boyfriend has been all cool and collected, I’ve been creating feelings of guilt. Yes, guilt! Out of what then?
Now that we are finally together, I keep on stressing, whether we spend enough time with each other. This results to feeling guilty; I feel guilty meeting with friends, going to the gym, working overtime… Hell, I even feel guilty writing this blog post! It is this tiny voice in my head telling, you went through all this trouble to see your loved one every single day, now don’t you dare prioritize other plans over it!
It’s probably all about the expectations of the life together and how those expectations grew into a mountain during our long time apart. Actually, it shouldn’t even be called “long time apart”- it should be called “the longest waiting of my life”. That’s what it eventually was: waiting for the months to go by, so that we could have a normal relationship, and dreaming about a life without teary Skype-calls and “I miss you so much”-messages.
It is also about, what we so far have invested in this relationship (I hate the word ‘sacrifice’, so I used the word ‘investment’ instead). We have invested a lot of time, money and energy in this relationship; time wasted at the airports and on flights, money spent on all this travelling, energy spent on super early Monday mornings and going to lectures straight from the airport. Not to forget all the tears from all the missing and frustration! I also missed out on a lot of my student life being away half of the weekends, which still makes me a bit bitter from time to time. I’ve moved around in Europe, missed my family and friends living in Finland, and doubled the amount of wrinkles around my eyes. So why not finally enjoy the fruit of the investment?
“Following your heart, where ever it may take you is always worth taking a risk.”
I make this relationship sound all work and no fun, but in reality we are doing great. It is just some weird mode left from the stress, which I can’t turn off. So far the cloud of guilt is not shadowing our relationship, but I know I should get rid of it before it starts to do so. After all, at the moment we are definitely walking on sunshine and enjoying our time. I’m proud of us managing so many years in a long distance relationship, but now it’s just a relationship, a great one, and it’s performing just as fine as well when I’m having some alone time. Besides, we see each other in the mornings and enjoy breakfast together, most of the time in the evenings during the week and spend basically the whole weekend together!
To sum up: perhaps we have overcome the obstacles of a long distance relationship, but as well as all the other relationships, we are going to face some future challenges as well. We have come so far, that I’m sure we will figure things out. Challenges or not, I don’t regret falling for a german guy nor establishing a life somewhere other than my homecountry. Lesson learnt: following your heart, where ever it may take your, is always worth taking the risk. Only thing, that I still have to figure out though, is how to really engage to my life in here and start to enjoy it. It is almost as if my brain keeps on handeling everything like we would still be apart from each other and causing these weird feelings…
I wonder, is there anyone else out there, who survived a LDR, and suffers from the repercussions?